SOMETIMES WINNING IS LOSING

Last Thursday we braved the freezing cold and wind and drove south a couple of hours to watch David compete in our Track and Field Regional Finals.  It was a family affair (minus one who was working) as we bundled up, with anticipation of what we knew David was capable of accomplishing.  He has worked very hard in an event that was new to him just a couple of years ago.  He has been steadily improving and gaining confidence as he has used his God given talent and tall, strong build to heave a heavy ball great distances.  Never did we think, when he first began, that this would be how he would get through college.

He has personally accomplished much in the sport…but on this night it was not meant to be.  His warm up throws, not to mention his weeks of throwing before, could have qualified him for State Competition.  But on that night, he threw just 6 inches too short.

As spectators, we were not close enough to talk to him as he exited off the opposite side of the field. Obviously disappointed and frustrated.  We made our way around the fenced in area to where we were finally able to hug him…to tell him how proud we are of him and how much we love him.

He was quick to tell how he knew he could have. How close he was.  How he wanted to so badly. 

I am grateful on any given day that I do not parent alone, for many reasons… but the next few moments of words between father and son are ones I will not soon forget.  Shawn placed his hands on David’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes…

“The measure of you as a man is not found in the accomplishments or defeats of one single day or event…but in how much you allow that event to build your dependence on the Lord”.

 

Words that meant more to son, and more to mother because we have seen the truth lived out in the man who spoke them.  It’s been a rough couple months, but the dependency and sweet communion with his Jesus have been tangible in our home.  HE is walking with us, HE is talking to us, and HE is whispering His love for us ever so consistently.

Sometimes the winning is in the losing.  Sometimes the joy is in the grief. 

SWINGING

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT






Eight months ago our little "Brave Heart" could not even sit on this tire swing without panic overtaking him.  No amount of reasoning or reassuring would calm his fear.  Any pictures we have of him in those early days home show someone else either holding him or the swing still. In many areas he appeared to be the more fearless of the two but not when it came to this.  He didn't like it, it was what he feared the most ....plain and simple.

This morning we were outside enjoying the sunshine and he ran to me, asking to be pushed.  As he soared, again and again, into the air,  his laughter and giggles were contagious.  He begged to go higher and higher, more and more...

It's moments like this when God most often speaks to me.  I see myself in my children.  I sense His parental love for me in my spirit and I am encouraged...

While I am not yet at liberty to share all the particulars of our situation, I am able to share the journey of my own heart and I pray that those details will be sufficient to be a blessing for any of you reading.  While each of our story lines is unique...God's Truth covers all.

It is true that much of what we fear in life never really happens, it is also true that some of it does.  That is not meant as a negative statement...it just is.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago what my greatest fear would have been, this would have been it.  The same could be said of my man.  Each of us is smack dab, right in the middle of what we feared the most. 

 We didn't asks for it.
 We prayed that it would never happen.
 We hoped it would fall in the category of things that never really come to pass.

But it didn't...and we are here.  

We battle the fear.
We battle the shame.
We question the reasons.
We battle loneliness and discouragement.
It feels unfair.

But God ordained it...and we are here.

It would be easier to write this as an "after the fact" post.  A remembering of how God intervened and provided "back then"...when the puzzle was complete.  But it is not. 

We have been earnestly seeking His heart on the matter, but He has not yet given clear direction.
When we look at our timeline it appears to be running out.
Panic can easily sweep in.

But we are learning to swing. 
Our knuckles may be white from the gripping but we are at least taking breaths.
With each push, my Father's heart speaks reassurance that, somehow, all will be well.

This view from the heights is different.
The perspective... freeing.

We are learning to giggle... even in the moments when our stomachs drop from the falling.
When hopes are dashed.
When dreams are not yet birthed.

His promises are getting more firmly stamped in our minds as we repeat them with each repetitive motion.
And somehow the process is shifting the truths from our heads to our hearts.

When we submit to His loving, our fears are calmed.
The fear is replaced with an enjoyment of the ride.

Off in the distance I hear singing.
Like a canopy over me.
A joyful song, unlike any other.

A reminder today that, somehow, this journey gives Him reason to be joyful.  I can be thankful for that....

STEADFAST

In my opinion, a winter that lasts only a couple weeks would be sufficient.  Cold enough to require a fire started and snow enough to enjoy the beauty for a day or two…then spring would be welcome.

I’m a southern girl…really southern.  Born and raised south of the equator permanently set my internal thermostat.   Twenty plus years here has done little to change that fact.  It takes me half the summer to thaw before I gear up to do it all over again.

This year I dreaded the long winter for the twins.  They arrived home to us in September and only had a few weeks of nice weather to be outside before the “lock down” began,  reminded every time they stepped outside that they were no longer in Ethiopia.

In classic childlike fashion they’ve adapted well in so many ways.  It was good for everyone, I think.  We had lots of “together” time and the boundaries of the house became their norm.  Home has become very familiar to them.  It’s predictable and consistent…they know what to expect. They have learned the comfort of the routine, the security of the bond called family.

Finally…some sunshine in the last couple days.  We’ve opened the windows and packed up the snow gear.  The birds in the budding trees can’t help but lift one’s spirits.

Yet, I have noticed some obvious struggles in my wee ones.  This change has been hard for them.  I am finding what I have heard from others to be true.  Change is harder for my adopted kiddos than it is for my bios.  All of a sudden everything is different again.  The time we wake up and where we can play.  Sibling’s sports have changed, which in turn affects the boundaries and expectations as outside spectators.  Schedules are different; the people we see are different.

It has triggered an unsettledness in them.  It’s best described as a fluttering…an inability to stick at one thing.  Meron, especially, has almost a panic about her.  The stuttering has returned, the questions have multiplied and the boundaries are being fully tested.  Not in a rebellious sort of way, but instead, one that is begging for the walls of security to be raised high around her.

My heart aches as I am reminded again that change has not always been easy for them.  They have been broadsided by circumstances out of their control. Decisions made without their opinions counting… uprooted into a world they didn’t ask for.

And as happens so often in this fleshing out of adoption, I am struck by how we are so very much the same. We like the predictable, we like the guarantees.  Even us adventurous sorts like stability in the places we most readily find our security.

It’s been a season of change for the big people of the house as well.  One that involves unknowns, unemployment and a boatload of uncertainty.  I have learned that I like variety and change… when I control it.  I like my opinion to be asked before the circumstance plows me over.  I like adventure, if I choose it.

My heart is prone to “flutter”… I have my own expressions of “panic”.  I too, beg for the walls of security to be raised high around me.

I have often prayed Psalm 51:10 for myself, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me”.  Probably tending to focus more on the clean heart than the steadfast one.  So tonight, out of curiosity, I looked up definitions for steadfast and this one caught me.

steadfast adj.  firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment

Oh yes!  That is so what I desire…a steadfast heart.  So now it’s what I am praying for all of us, big and little.  Firmness in my faith, solidity in their attachment process.

Psalm 112:6-8  “Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever.  They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.”

Create in me a steadfast heart, O Lord ... firmly planted, living with purpose, unafraid of bad news. 

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